Piers Goes Long

A Futile Attempt to Rationalise the Irrational...

I’ve been thinking about, and doing, long distance cycling for years. I have a strange, continual urge to go long. Not particularly fast, but long, and often ridiculously hilly. It’s a compulsion, an obsession, possibly a disorder, but, as I always tell people, it’s something to do.

And that something means I'm finally on the verge of starting Paris-Brest-Paris, a bike ride of 1,200km (750 miles) with 12,000m (39,000ft) of climbing, all in 80 hours. On 20th August 2023, I'll be one of 8,000 starters. It's been a hell of a ride to get to this point...

** I'll be taking the opportunity to raise money for the team caring for Thomas, an 11-year-old Cycle Heaven customer with Leukaemia. Please take a moment to look at the JustGiving page where I guarantee to donate all money raised to the team looking after him.

How the hell did I end up here...?

I've ridden for as long as I can remember. I've always liked a long ride. Building long rides into longer and longer ones, I arrived at a point where I felt ready to take on an ultra-distance challenge. The obvious and most famous was Paris-Brest-Paris (PBP), held every 4 years. I targeted the event in 2019 and I was well-set for entry; I was trained, conditioned, and en route to being fully qualified when, in April, a sudden, rapidly worsening stomach-ache completely pole-axed me.

Within 14 excruciating, and increasingly drugged hours of arrival at York A&E, I was under the knife at around midnight. The surgeons later told me how they had applied educated guesswork to the mind-bending scans of my complicated plumbing to understand what was going on. Remarkably they hit the jackpot, identifying and fixing a completely random twisting and blocking of my lower intestine, at the entry to the ileum. PBP plans went out of the window, but I didn’t die, which I later learned had been a distinct possibility.

It'll be reet...

Having recovered physically and mentally (mostly), I turned my attention to London-Edinburgh-London (LEL) 2021 (shunted to 2022 by COVID). I was in great shape for this 1500km event, trained and fully-paid-up… until I crashed my Dutch city bike on my way to a staff barbecue. I snapped my collarbone and cracked 3 ribs, just 3 weeks before the start! Not having opened a single bottle or can before the crash, this disastrous turn of events was tough to deal with. LEL plans were in tatters. I’m over it now… mostly.

So, here we are, within touching distance of the start of the next PBP, in Rambouillet just west of Paris. To say that this is an important thing for me would be an understatement! I leave York with my bike and take the train to Brighton on 15th August. I ride to Newhaven for a ferry to Dieppe, followed by a couple of days extremely leisurely riding to a hotel near the start. Together with my regular partner-in-crime, the patient and dependably strong Chris, and the redoubtable York Rouleur Charles, we will be lining up with the elite and super-fast loonies in the first group at 4pm Sunday 20th August, the plan being to get a bit of a slingshot start with one or two of the rapid bunches without going too far into the red. Our group’s 80-hour limit expires at midnight on Wednesday 23rd. I’m excited, nervous, worried, and delighted, all at once.

The all-important and impressively bureaucratic confirmation of entry to PBP

So, here we are, within touching distance of the start of the next PBP, in Rambouillet just west of Paris. To say that this is an important thing for me would be an understatement! I leave York with my bike and take the train to Brighton on 15th August. I ride to Newhaven for a ferry to Dieppe, followed by a couple of days extremely leisurely riding to a hotel near the start. Together with my regular partner-in-crime, the patient and dependably strong Chris, and the redoubtable York Rouleur Charles, we will be lining up with the elite and super-fast loonies in the first group at 4pm Sunday 20th August, the plan being to get a bit of a slingshot start with one or two of the rapid bunches without going too far into the red. Our group’s 80-hour limit expires at midnight on Wednesday 23rd. I’m excited, nervous, worried, and delighted, all at once.

Riding long endurance rides is a big physical challenge, obviously, but more importantly a stern mental one. Managing the psychological challenge is probably as important as dealing with the physical. You must know, and ride within, your limits. You must remember to eat and drink regularly before you feel you need to. You must remain organised when you are extremely fatigued. You must be prepared to accept and deal with all kinds of problem. You must enjoy riding in the dark. You must be able to sleep little, or sporadically, in some strange, uncomfortable locations. You must be prepared to eat out of service stations, or anywhere. You will visit some dark places… and you need to calmly and patiently navigate your way out. You must never decide to abandon while you are tired, cold or hungry. Things will always improve.

You have to get accustomed to staring at MAMILs' arses sometimes...

Proper luxurious bedding arrangement prior to 3.30am start for the Old 240 400km audax

Contemplating a stunning sunrise on the return stretch of the Slaithwaite 600km audax

Another beautiful sunrise after a 4am start from my dad's home in the Cotswolds

You are always rewarded in different ways.

Like many people, my first experience of riding long was a sportive. Ranging from 40 miles up to 200 miles or more, sportives are great. Everything is organised for you, from route planning, signage and technical back-up to feed and refuelling stops. You can find sportives everywhere, every weekend from spring through summer! That first century ride; what a buzz! But sportives are expensive…. For many people, the cost is a problem, and for others, the nannying, everything-sorted-for-you organisation is a big turnoff. As if the challenge of riding the distance alone was not enough…

This is where the weird and wonderful world of Audax comes in…

Audax is a collective term for self-sufficient, mostly long-distance, cycling. Quaintly retaining French terms for everything, and using SI units, organised events are known globally as randonnées. Ranging from 50km to 1500km and more, they are non-competitive in nature (haha… Some wag once commented “Sportives are cycling events for people pretending to race; Audaxes are cycling events for people pretending not to…” )

Randonnées must be completed within a prescribed elapsed time limit, including all stops for rest, feeding etc. Each event has a brevet card, listing the controls that must be visited and their respective time limits. To complete the audax, you must demonstrate proof of passage through the required controls, within the time limits. At a manned control, you may get a stamp in your brevet card, at an info control, you will answer a question relating to the location, or at a free control you ensure you get something like a time-stamped and addressed receipt.

Dining on service station cuisine... you do this a lot, I mean, a lot...

The Audax world is a unique one. Many countries have their own Audax organisation, with their own programme of calendar events, often culminating in their own biggie. The UK has London-Edinburgh-London (LEL), at 1500km, held every 4 years, and running since 1989.

Of the many ultra-endurance (greater than 100 miles) cycling events held around the world, none has been in existence for longer than Paris-Brest-Paris. First ridden as a race in 1891, before even the Tour de France existed, it has been an amateur-only challenge since the 1950s, and at around 1200km with total climbing of more than 12,000m, is one of the longer examples of an audax ride. For many, it is the highlight of their cycling life, and it is huge in every respect. L’Audax Club Parisien (ACP) organises it every 4 years and is forced to limit rider numbers to 8000. This is helped by the arduous (some would say, typically French) route to qualifying to ride it. During the months leading to the start, would-be entrants must complete a series of rides of at least 200km, 300km, 400km and 600km within the necessary calendar windows. Only then will registration be permitted…

The physical evidence, stained in sweat, tears, dribble and sometimes blood... a selection of completed brevet cards

This year, I’ve qualified, and I’m going to start my first PBP! However, I’ve been preparing for a long time.

Because of the limited number of places, and an attraction to endurance cyclists from all corners of the globe, PBP has a system of pre-registration that prioritises riders who complete the longest validated rides during the previous year. With the May 2022 1000km Highland Fling under my belt, I was one of the first to pre-register on 1st January.

I was already well embedded in a rolling training programme on my indoor trainer, mixed with a sprinkling of outdoor rides. I set about planning my campaign of validated audax rides of 200, 300, 400 and 600km, to complete my registration. A big spreadsheet calendar was born!

You can get carried away with this stuff...

Training presents plenty of challenges, particularly to anyone working, and with a family. Yes to both of those. In the old days, the way to prepare for riding long was, er, well… to ride long. Now, in the era of smart indoor trainers and interactive, computer-based training and coaching programmes, it is undoubtedly easier, and more time-efficient. You could (if you were slightly odd…) get physically prepared for any cycling event without even riding outside! Today’s mantra is “Don’t train hard, train smart!” I firmly believe, however, that the fun comes from combining a fixed amount of indoor training with plenty of outdoor rides, when time allows.

My extremely clever Elite Drivo trainer holds my bike on the floor of my shed, allowing me to pedal it like a static bike in a gym. Instead of powering the bike forwards, the pedals drive the large rotating mechanism inside the trainer.

The cosy little set-up in my pain-cave

The trainer communicates wirelessly with the training programme running on my laptop (TrainerRoad, if you are interested…) and receives instructions for how much resistance to offer, and for how long, according to the workout you have selected. It simultaneously measures and feeds back your pedalling power real-time, making continual adjustments to ensure that you will always be working as hard as required for the workout. You don’t even need to change gear…! Periodically assessing and re-assessing your fitness (calculating your Functional Threshold Power, FTP), the programme ensures that every workout is set at a level appropriate for your current level of fitness.

Your laptop directs your training, and refuses to respond to your crying and swearing

Sometimes, though not always, technology is brilliant! As it happens, I know of a great shop where you can buy a clever trainer…

Easily one of the best smart trainers on the market - lots of money, but endless potential. Available from a great bike shop near you...

The amazing thing is that anyone can train for anything. I’m no great athlete, with no particularly notable cycling strengths, but I am strong-willed and determined. The cardio-vascular training, along with the physiological and psychological conditioning I have gained over the past few years has prepared me to cope with, dare I say, enjoy, some ostensibly brutal cycle rides. Several years of 5am starts in the shed at temperatures ranging from -5°C to +30°C with my indoor trainer have been occasionally tough, but always given purpose and made bearable by a vision of a distant goal.

Like I say, it’s something to do…

So far, in 2023 (as of mid-July), my riding stats, excluding all of my daily York utility riding, are as follows:

Total distance 7,913km (4,946 miles)

Total climbing 47,884m (157,100 ft)

Total riding time 293 hours

The official Audax validated rides so far: 4 x 200km, 3 x 300km, 1 x 400km, 2 x 600km, totalling over 3,000km with 26,000m of climbing.

I will be attempting to raise money with my PBP23 effort. Please take a moment to look at the JustGiving page where I pledge to donate all money raised to the team looking after the 11 year old son of a family known well to Cycle Heaven, who has Leukaemia. Thank you.

If you are interested in following the big ride, there should be live tracking available on the PBP website. Most of my riding exploits are recorded on Strava, under my name TheMaff.